Fly Fishing

Pete · Location: New York, NY

This is a funny quiz that was published in Journal Review from Indiana...

Are you a fish-aholic?

A popular theory says too much of anything isn’t good. Too much turkey at Thanksgiving, too much TV watching, too much coffee and the list continues. Thanks to the people who are afflicted with drinking too much booze, excessive habits have been given the suffix “holic” from the word alcoholic. There are work-alholics, sex-aholics, choco-holics and others.

The latest is “fish-aholics.” It is doubtful that I would be one of them, but I’m not too sure about you. Here is a simple self-evaluation test to help decide the seriousness of your affliction.

1. Do you lie to your friends about fishing? Are you lying now? Do you tell the boss you are sick, then go fishing? Do you tell your wife you are off to work, then go fishing? If the answer is Yes, score one point. If the answer is No, score one point anyway — you are probably lying.

2. Do you keep a rod and reel hidden in your vehicle? Do you consider a fully stocked tackle box and landing net to be as necessary as a jack and spare tire? Did you select the size of the vehicle and it’s storage area to fit your favorite rod? Yes —one point. In this day of one piece rods, have you ever attempted to put a 6 1/2 casting rod in the trunk of any car?

3. Have you stopped to pick up road kill for fly tying materials? A little ground hog hair here, some deer hair there, perhaps some neck feathers from a flat pheasant? Add two points if you stopped on an Interstate. Score four if you swerved to hit the critter, then braked hard to pick it up.

4. Have you been told you have a fishing problem? Score only one if you have been told that by your employer or wife. Score three if you’ve been told that by the guy at the bait store.

5. Have you hired a professional (like a guide) to assist you with your problem? Score one if the guide is local, score two if the guide is out of state.

6. Do you dream of fishing? Is that at night, in the daytime or when you are driving a car? Do you tell anyone about your dreams? Did the traffic cop believe you? If Yes — score one. You are probably lucky the officer was on the verge of being a fish-alholic also.

7. Do you own more than one fishing rod? Score one for each rod you own. If you can’t count that high or can’t remember, just give yourself 25. If your wife is going to see the answer, put down a number no higher than 12. It will take some explaining to even get past that number.

8. Do you feel guilty about your fishing? Is that guilt because of the lifestyle or just because of the money you spend for fishing related items? Is that guilt because of the extra weight your mailman must carry because of the fishing magazines and fishing catalogs which come to your mailbox each day? If Yes — score one. You might consider asking the postal service to give your mail person a trailer.

9. Do you wake up at 4 a.m. just to go fishing? Three a.m.? Have you ever stayed up all night fishing or driven all night to be at the lake by dawn? Well, duh — score 1.

10. Have you ever had a life-threatening experience due to fishing? Lightning? Tornados? Leaky boat? Hypothermia? Flood? Filet knife wounds? Driving all night to be at the lake by dawn? Add one point for each time you had a close call. Add 5 points for each time you were hospitalized? If experiencing a hernia from loading a cartop boat in northern Wisconsin is of any value- give me another 6 points.

If you scored less than 10 you are probably safe. At best you might be weekender fisherman. You may want to consider NASCAR as an alternative.

If you scored between 10 and 30 you need to monitor the situation. Consulting with a fishing guide may bring relief. Fish-aholism could be one of your genetic defects.

If you scored 31 or more, you are definitely fish-alohic (and that includes the 25 points for not knowing exactly how many fishing rods you own). And even worse, if you put down the actual number and your wife read it.

Don’t despair however. There is help. A local chapter of Fish-aholics Anonymous meets every Thursday moring down at the lake. Check your Human Resources department at work. Some employers will grant time to assist their workers with this malady. Most of us just call in sick and tell our wives we are going to work. Regardless, don’t be late, I’m taking attendance.

Don Bickel is a retired forester. His column appears in Monday’s Journal Revew. Bickel can be e-mailed at edgeoftheprairie@webtv.net.

jason-c · Posted: Mon 04/18/05 10:42 pm Post subject: Take the Fishing Addicts Quiz

Funny stuff!